


Kidnapped By Tiny Meat Gang

by booktrash23



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Kidnapping, Music Creation, Not Beta Read, POV Second Person, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booktrash23/pseuds/booktrash23
Summary: When Cody Ko and Noel Miller show up unannounced at your apartment, you're starstruck and overjoyed. But you soon find out that nothing is as it seems…
Relationships: Aleena/Noel Miller, Cody Ko/Kelsey Kreppel
Comments: 10
Kudos: 6





	1. Did Somebody Order A Big Sausage Pizza?

_Knock, knock, knock!_

Your head whips up. What’s going on? What time is it?

Oh, right. You’d been studying by the window—or, more accurately, having a That’s Cringe marathon and convincing yourself you’ll start studying soon—and the golden, late afternoon sunlight on your face had made you sleepy. It didn’t help that your exquisitely soft Noel Miller hoodie (available for $45.00 at noelmiller.co) had cocooned you in drowsy warmth. It’s almost sunset now. You yawn and turn to the side. At your windowsill, a familiar crow ruffles his feathers expectantly. So that’s what the knocking had been. You smile in return.

“Hello, Kaz,” you murmur.

 _Caw,_ he responds.

Now is a good time to finally get off your fat ass. You stand and stretch before making your way to the kitchen, where you’d saved a bit of bacon from that morning’s breakfast. Returning to the window, you crack it open a bit and leave it on the sill; Kaz snatches it up so quickly you have to laugh. He (or was it she? Hard to tell which birds have dicks) flew off into the distance with his prize. You shut the window before the other neighbourhood crows get any ideas; you’re out of bacon and running low on snacks.

Heaving a sigh, you lean back in your chair, missing the homies while in quarantine. Watching YouTube videos only does so much to fill the void. Yesterday, you’d even resorted to using your Ouija board by yourself, but you’d ended the session after a few minutes. Talking to spiritual entities that are probably just figments of your imagination gets really sad when you’re by yourself.

_Ring, ring!_

You jump, startled, and look around. That’s not your cell phone—it’s the apartment phone by the front door. Was a friend dropping by? Curious, you pick up the call.

“Hello?” you ask.

“Hey there! Did someone order a pizza?” a man answers.

You blink in disbelief. The man sounds…a lot like Cody Ko. You shake your head at yourself. You’ve been watching too many of his videos; soon you’re going to be mistaking every white guy for him.

“No, I haven’t,” you answer. “Sorry, you must have the wrong address.” Your stomach rumbles; you’d been too lazy to cook dinner, and a pizza sounds really good right about now.

“Aw, man,” the delivery man answers. “You’re right, it is the wrong address. Sorry about that.”

“No worries,” you say, preparing to put the phone back.

“Hold on!” says the man. “Do you want it?”

“What?” you ask, caught off guard.

“Do you want the pizza? The real address is pretty far; the pizza would be cold by the time I get there. I’ll just ask the restaurant to make a new one and give this to you for free.”

You hesitate; you’ve never heard of delivery people just giving away free pizzas before. Your stomach rumbles again.

“What kind of pizza?” you ask.

He answers; it’s your favourite type of pizza. Your decision is made.

“Um, sure,” you answer. “Yeah, that would be awesome.”

“Great! Just buzz me in,” says the delivery man.

You unlock the gate for him and hang up the phone. You stand there, inert as a strangeness casts over you like a shadow. After a few seconds, you shake your head and reach for a jacket. You’re being ridiculous. This is just a lost pizza delivery guy whose misfortune has resulted in a free pizza for you.

You make your way down the stairwell and towards the entrance to your apartment building. You open the door…and gasp.

“Oh my god, it really is you!” you say.

Indeed, standing right before you is none other than Cody Ko. He chuckles, every bit as warm and charming in real life as he is on screen. “Recognize my voice?” he asks.

“Yeah! I mean—I didn’t actually think—but wow!” you sputter, a blush rising in your cheeks.

He laughs, as does the man holding a video camera next to him. With a start, you realize it’s Noel Miller.

“Oh my god, hi!” you squeal as you bring your hands to your heart, doubly starstruck.

Noel puts down the camera and smiles. You’re rooted to the ground as you meet his mesmerizing green eyes. Should you be proud or embarrassed to be wearing the merch of a YouTuber you weren’t planning on meeting?

“Hey,” Noel says. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah! It’s—so great to meet you guys!” you respond, a little breathless. This is all so overwhelming, you’re barely able to process what’s going on. But there’s a hint of doubt prickling the back of your mind. “Um—so tell me—what brings you here?” you ask.

The two men exchange a quick glance.

“You’ve won a contest!” Cody announces.

“A.…contest?” you ask. You don’t remember signing up for one.

“It’s a secret contest,” Noel explains. “We randomly chose someone who bought our merch for an opportunity to be on the Tiny Meat Gang podcast. What do you say?”

Ah, that must be how they knew your address. You gasp and flush anew with delighted pride. A feature on your favourite podcast! It’s an honour akin to a Nobel Prize.

“Yes—yeah! Of course!” you say, beaming.

“Well, our ride is there,” Noel says, pointing a thumb to the sleek black car behind them. “If you want to hop in, we can head to the studio and get started.”

You take a step forward, then hesitate. “I don’t have my phone on me or anything,” you say; you hadn’t prepared to go any further than the building entrance. “Do you mind if I just run back up…?”

Noel frowns and taps his watch. “We’re kind of in a rush here,” he says.

Your heart sinks at the prospect of disappointing him. “Right, right, of course,” you say, striding towards the car.

“Besides,” Cody adds, following you. “If you need to call anyone, you can just use one of our phones.”

You nod to yourself, your fears assuaged. Nothing bad is going to happen to you anyway—you've seen so many of these guys' videos, you basically know everything about them already.

Noel opens the door for you—such a gentleman!—and you slide into the smooth black leather interior. You thank him, and he walks around the car to sit next to you. Excitement buzzes under your skin like high voltage electricity. Not only are you meeting your favourite YouTubers, you’re in such close quarters with them!

“Hey there,” says the woman in the driver’s seat. Your jaw drops as you recognize her.

“Kelsey?!” you say in disbelief.

She turns her head to you and grins, blue eyes twinkling. “In the flesh! Congrats on winning the contest!”

“Oh! Thank you so much for having me!” you enthuse.

Kelsey gets the car moving while Cody and Noel crack jokes. Inside the car is an actual pizza, and they tell you to help yourself; you obey with enthusiasm. Everything feels so surreal, you can hardly do more scarf down the slices and laugh. The city zooms past as Kelsey takes you to the suburbs. Night falls, and after an hour or so you end up at a sizeable grey brick house. Welcoming, yellow light pours forth from the windows. Cricket song fills the air as you step out of the car.

“Is this where you live?” you ask in awe.

“Yep,” Kelsey answers. “But don’t go around telling anyone our address!”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” you assure her.

Caw! You look up and see a crow perched atop their mailbox. Could it be Kaz? You wonder. Would he have followed you all the way out here?

The others head inside; not wanting to dawdle, you rush ahead to do the same.

Aleena is at the door, Ollie in her arms and Chili at her heels. You coo over the dogs as the others offer you refreshments and a seat on the couch. You look around at the living room, newly overwhelmed by entering the space where these people spend their private lives, the furniture and decor touched by their personalities. The house smells like incense; unexpected, but not unpleasant.

You finally notice someone hunched over a computer at the dining table, clad in headphones, oblivious to the world around him.

“Hi, Spock!” you say, waving.

His eyes are drawn by the commotion and he notices you. He wiggles his fingers in a half-hearted greeting and shifts his attention back to his computer. You aren't bothered; he's probably hard at work making some sick beats.

Cody claps and rubs his hands together. “So!” he says. “Shall we start?”

“Sure!” you say.

“Come on then, everything’s set up downstairs,” Cody says, opening a door to reveal a long flight of stairs, illuminated by a single lightbulb. At the bottom, wreathed in shadow, is another door.

“Alright,” you say, entering the narrow corridor. Everyone shuffles in behind you, not just Cody and Noel. You make your way down the stairs, where you’re surprised to hear someone talking behind the door. You get closer. It sounds like multiple people. And they’re not talking—they’re screaming.

_“Run!”_


	2. I'm The Supreme Witch. How Are You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're stuck in TMG's basement with no way out. The only question now is, why kidnap you at all?

Your breath catches in your throat. You turn around on your heel.

Five people block your path to the upstairs door. At the top of the stairwell, Spock locks the door with a smile. The shadows seem to cling to him.

The muffled screaming inside continues: “Go! Run!!”

“What the hell is going on?” you demand.

In synchrony, Noel lunges forward to grab you while Cody turns the door handle. You’re too shocked to fight back as you’re shoved inside and thrown on the ground. You groan, getting up on your hands and knees, and look at the room around you.

“Holy shit,” you whisper.

The large room is grey and devoid of any furniture or decoration except a gigantic red pentagram that takes up most of the floor. Incense is lit at regular intervals along its circumference. In the centre, bound with zip ties at their wrists and ankles, are six other people around your age.  
Kelsey enters the room, laughing. You look up at her with pleading eyes.

She smirks down at you. “Surprise, motherfucker.”

Spock pins you to the ground and starts tying your wrists behind you. You squirm and try to get free, but he’s holding you down with unexpected strength. The shadows dance and hiss around him. You must be going insane.

When he’s done with your ankles, he drags you by your shoulder to the centre of the pentagram. The others whimper in fear. He sets you down with an unceremonious thud.

“Why?” you ask. “Why are you doing this?”

Spock laughs, a low chuckle that sends chills up your spine. “Oh, you’ll see.”

He turns around and makes his way back outside the pentagram, where Kelsey is grinning from ear to ear. “Finally, we have all seven.” She pulls a small, leather bound book from her jacket’s inside pocket and opens it. “Let the ritual begin!”

“Hang on, not yet,” says Aleena, opening the door to leave.

“What is it?” Kelsey snaps.

“I have to feed the dogs.”

“Oh. Well, we’ll just start without you.”

Aleena heaves a sigh. “They beginning’s always boring, anyway,” she says before shutting the door behind her.

Kelsey thumbs through the book’s pages, looking for something.

“You’re a witch?” you ask.

Kelsey’s smug smile makes you recoil. “Yep. Half demon, half human.”

You turn to Cody. “And—and you know this? You’ve been okay with dating a witch this whole time?”

He shrugs. “She’s hot.”

Now you turn to Noel. “Why are you in on all this?”

“The ritual works,” he answers. “Can’t argue with results.”

“What the hell is this ritual, anyway?” you snap, your anger taking hold. Your fellow kidnappees behind you are cowering, but for you, the threat of death has evaporated all self-preservation.

“This,” Kelsey says, gesturing with her arms to the room, “is our music making studio. It’s how we get all our beats for the TMG songs.”  
Your jaw drops; you’re speechless. Behind you, the others react similarly.

“Your music…is produced…by Satan?!” you ask, disbelieving.

“Yep!” Kelsey says. “And he ain’t cheap. He asked for seven souls this time! Inflation’s a bitch.”

“It sure is,” Cody agrees.

“But those beats are fire though,” Noel points out.

“But—but I thought Spock produced all your music!” You say.

“Oh, honey,” Kelsey says and pouts in mock pity. “You thought Spock was real?”

“What?”

Before your eyes, Spock’s skin melts into shadow, revealing a yellow-eyed, beastly form. Horns protrude from his head; his feet are cloven. Spock is…a demon!

“Only Spock’s ears can hear Satan’s infernal bops,” Kelsey goes on. “And only I can open a portal to Hell. We’re the perfect music-making duo.”

“But babe, I thought—” Cody starts, but Kelsey shuts him up with a withering glare.

“Let the ritual begin,” Spock growls, his voice now completely changed.

“Yes, let’s,” Kelsey agrees, and begins the incantation.

If you weren’t about to die, you probably would have found it a bit boring. It was a lot of Latin chanting, some singing, a bit of interpretive dance. But you were about to die, and every second of the ritual was counting down to your inevitable demise. You grow increasingly restless, as do the people beside you.

Finally, at the ritual’s end, Kelsey draws a knife from her pocket and slits the inside of her elbow, letting the blood drip into the pentagram. As soon as the first drop hits, the temperature plummets. You and the others shiver and squirm on the ground. Beside you, a portal appears, made of the darkest shadow you’ve ever seen.

“O Great and Magnificent Satan,” Kelsey says, now in English. “Please accept our sacrificial offerings and bequeath unto us your legendary tunes!”  
Clop, clop, clop. You hear cloven footsteps approaching you. Fear takes hold of every bone in your body. Out of the portal steps…

“Benedict Cumberbatch?” you ask.

Their face definitely resembles the British actor, but from the waist down, they’re a goat. Gigantic horns curl from their temples. Their hooves are painted the same green as their square-pupilled hircine eyes, and they're wearing a a bedazzled black leather jacket that reads "I love Hello Kitty" on the back.

“Satan’s busy,” says the demon. “I’m your intermediary.”

“But—he said he’d be available at this time!” Kelsey protests.

“What, you thought he’d be honest?” they reply. “He’s literally the Devil.”

Noel raises his brows and leans in toward Cody. "Check out the drip," he murmurs, as though the demon isn't a few metres away.

The demon scowls and points at Noel. "Listen here, punk," they say. "I don't know what kind of influence you social media stars think you have, but are you name dropped in the Bible?"

"I mean, uh—" Noel starts.

"Name's Azazel, ever heard of me?" the demon cuts him off. "I threw hands with a fucking archangel. I've been spreading chaos for over six thousand years. Now I'm sent here by Satan to babysit your bitch asses through this bargain, and you're gonna rag on my drip?"

Through your fear-muddled state, something clicks in your head. “Azazel?” you ask, your voice filled with awe.

The demon looks down, noticing you for the first time. “Kid?” they gasp.

It’s the demon from your Ouija board sessions! They’re real after all! You start sobbing with relief.

“Please help me,” you beg.

Azazel glares at the people outside the pentagram. “Really?" they ask, throwing up their hands. "Of all the people in this city, you had to kidnap and sacrifice my friend?”

“Well, it’s not like we knew,” Kelsey huffs.

“This kid introduced me to Vine! To your vines!” Azazel points an accusing finger to Cody and Noel, who shift uncomfortably. “And you’re just going to sit there while they die?”

Noel scratches the back of his head and looks away. Cody becomes fascinated with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Can you just do your job?” Kelsey says. “You have your seven sacrifices right there. Now give us our next song so we can make that sweet, sweet YouTube money.”

Azazel sighs. You realize you’re going to die here, in this cold room, with all these terrified people. Your family won’t ever know how you met your end. You shudder and sob.

_Crash!_

Everyone’s head whips around to the door. It sounds like a window broke on the ground floor. You hear a far off, high-pitched scream.

“Aleena?” Noel calls, making a beeline for the door. As soon as he opens it, a huge flock of crows fly into the room all at once.

Chaos ensues as every crow you’ve ever fed starts clawing and pecking at the faces of everyone outside the pentagram. Even demonic Spock is helpless against a full on corvid attack.

“Friends of yours?” Azazel asks you. You’re too stunned to do more than nod.

Kelsey grabs the crow trying to eat her face and tears it away. She faces the pentagram, panting and scowling. “Azazel, help us!” she demands, before three more crows flock to her face.

“And why would I do that?” the demon asks. They look at all the kidnapping victims. “In fact, why should I accept this bargain at all? Satan never signed a contract.” They snap their fingers and the zip ties disappear. Seven gasps sound at once as you and the others finally stand up, stretching stiff muscles.

Kelsey, Cody, Noel, and Spock are still screaming and covered in crows. The ground is covered with blood and black feathers. All seven victims shuffle towards the door, ignored by the birds.

“What now?” asks one of them as you all climb up the stairs.

“We could call 9-1-1,” another suggests.

A slow smile creeps across your face. “I have a better idea,” you say.

You instruct the two strongest of your group to bring Aleena down from the ground floor. The rest of you grab the half-dead bodies of the YouTube stars and drag them to the centre of the pentagram. Some of them are still squirming to get away, but Azazel knows what’s up; with another snap of the fingers, they’re all tied up.

“What is your bargain?” Azazel asks.

You smirk. “Five souls, in exchange for all their YouTube channels, all their subscribers, and a new TMG song. Oh, and a Lambo.”

Azazel smirks back and snaps their fingers again. “It’s done.”

The five bodies disappear with a puff of smoke. You gasp as the power of YouTube influence and ad revenue flows into your body. You turn to the others.

“We did it!” you exclaim. Everyone heads upstairs and into your sick new ride, psyched to lead your new lives as YouTubers.

And that is the story of how you and six other random people became the new Tiny Meat Gang. You all lived happily ever after.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this whole thing in one day and I have no intention of editing it. Mostly because it's already perfect.  
> I wish I could say I was on drugs but I was completely sober while writing this, please enjoy

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is suitably cringey. I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope others have fun reading it.  
> 


End file.
